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This Ain’t For You… Move Along!

Total Mommy #Fail

My kid damn near gave me an aneurysm heart attack… she damn near killed me today!

I go into the garage to put a disturbingly smelly diaper straight into the outside garbage and what happens?

I hear the house door shut.

Whatever. She has shut it before.

I turn around to go back in the house, turn the knob… and it’s locked!

Deep breaths.

“Can you open the door for Momma?” {Door knob jiggles}
“Pea… open the door please” {More jiggling, then nothing}

In my mind: FUCK!

I go around the side of the door to the back patio- fuckin’ locked.

SONOFABITCH!

I peep in through the blinds, which are closed (cause I’m a fuckin VAMPIRE and like to keep the blinds shut and the 100+ degree sunshine out) so I can’t really see her, but I kind of can.

We keep a little dowel in the patio door to keep it closed b/c it doesn’t really shut well otherwise. Baby C ALWAYS, ALWAYS plays with said dowel. Walking around the house with it like she’s a damn baton twirler. Today?

“Can you get the stick for Momma? Take the stick out of the door for Momma please…”
{dead stares, laughter and the pitter-patter of little feet running away}

She comes back to the patio door, looks out the blinds and is smiling cause she found Mommas hard candy- and Curious George is on TV? Jackpoooot!

“Come here Pea, can you take the stick out the door for Momma please?”

nothin

I call my husband at work and tell him that I may just have to call the Police and he is convinced that if I do, they may alert child protective services.

Really? Fuck.

Worst. Mom. Moment. Ever.

Call my mom, she’s trying to talk me down, but my kid is starting to lay on the rug- looks like she’s ready for a nap.

FUCK! NO NO NO- don’t sleep!

Long story short?

9-1-1

“Uhhh yeah Ma’am, if Fire & Rescue comes out there, they are just gonna kick your door in, so you may just wanna call your landlord.”

You  have GOT to be fucking kidding me.

Call my landlord. And I just lose it.

I’m crying, it’s fuckin 10070million degrees outside and my kid is stuck in the house.

Awesome. This is a fine moment.

Landlord calls her husband b/c he’s closer and he’s on his way, it’ll be like 10 minutes.

Sweet.

What next? Fuckin dog starts barking and I hear “hello”

I walk around the house- it’s the Sheriff.

Fuck, I’m in trouble.

I wonder if they’ll handcuff me for like child endangerment.

He talks it out with me. Tells me to keep an eye on the kiddo through the half-closed blinds and he’ll walk around the house, see if he can get in.

Next? Sheriff #2 shows up, then? Sheriff #3

Mother of God I hope my neighbors aren’t all outside now.
Worst. Mommy. Moment. EVER.

By some act of GOD my Sheriff finds a way to get a window open, climbs in it and saves the mothafuckin day.

Thank you, Lord.

I just burst into tears when I saw my kid… thinking when in the HELL did you learn to lock a lock? Just today? Awesome. The DAY my kid learns what makes a lock- lock- she locks me out of the house.

Ugh.

Disaster.

WORST MOMMY MOMENT EVER.

Tell me your worst mommy moments so I don’t feel so bad and wanna go wallow in self-pity by the name of Petron.

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You’re On Candid Camera

Fuckface!

Oh, sorry. Let me rewind.

Today’s rant is dedicated to the thief out in Madison, Wisconsin wearing dress shoes and cut-off denim shorts…

I was reading a news article about a family visiting Madison, Wisconsin for a wedding stopped to pose for a family pic in front of the capitol building. Well… upon reviewing the picture, they saw this loser

Image taken from Yahoo.com

stealing their stuff. Really? You asswipe.

Un-luckily for him, the family went into the capitol building, showed the photo to capitol police who sent out a description of him to local authorities and he was found still lingering in the area- with the bag, with the families cash & wallet still in place.

That was a major #fail on your part. Douchebag.

They should cut his hand off for stealing.

You can read the whole story here.

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That Mom

You ever go out to the grocery store or out to a restaurant to eat and see a mom there with her kids and the kids are putting on a show?

What’s usually your first thought when you see kids acting out when they are in public with their parents?

I think . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: That Mom

Coach Poppy Project

It is no secret that Coach bags are my thing. If I were still working, I think my collection of Coach bag would be… well, I shudder to think.

Anyway, you see those pretty flowers to the left? Coach is letting me put them on my site as a part of their . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: Coach Poppy Project

The List

My husband and I have a very close family friend, 20-something, football player, college student, great guy, nice personality (sound like a dating show?) looking who wants a girl woman now at some point in the future.

BUT

Said female has to meet his list of requirements before passing the test. He . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: The List

Instant Mother/Child Bond by Tina

When I got pregnant with my first child, I was like most first time mothers.  I read every book, article, and website I could so that I knew what I was getting myself into:  From the week-by-week development to going back to work after delivery.  Just about everything I read and . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: Instant Mother/Child Bond by Tina