“My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.”

Clarence Budington Kelland

Dear Daddy,

Sorry I didn’t buy you a card this year. As we re-evaluate our spending habits, I have opted to reduce the amount of cards I buy. I find that people like handwritten notes better and I can easily express how I feel. And anyway, what do people do with cards after the holiday/special day has passed? I always feel bad throwing away old cards, but I have found that I have become sort of a card-hoarder. So last year, I went through all of my cards- there was an entire box- and kept the ones that meant the most. The ones that I could due to part with, I sent to an organization that was using recycled cards for something. So, consider this your father’s day card.

Our relationship has always been… interesting- wouldn’t you say?

There are definitely moments from my childhood that weren’t so fantastic and that I probably resented you for at the time. There’s no need to rehash old stuff, though. Regardless of what I thought or felt at the moment, I am sure that those experiences only helped to mold me into the woman that I am today.

I wanted to take this time to thank you. Our family has never been good about expressing our feelings in a positive manner. We are more yellers, shouters, point-the-finger(ers) lol. Which is the first thing I wanted to thank you for.

You taught me how to feel. I was always the “sensitive one” in the family, always crying, “just like my father”… and while I admit, I never understood your sensitive side, in retrospect, it is important to be in touch with one’s feelings. Over time, I have learned how to have more control over my emotions- when to allow myself to be vulnerable and when to stay guarded. I guess you can say that I have become a mixture of you and Mommy. And I am okay with that. One needs to be tough, but to a certain extent. I think being in touch with my feelings and emotions allows me to express in an honest manner how I am feeling- something that many people cannot do. The toughness in me allows me to be vulnerable enough to put that out there and not really care about what the person has to say in return. As long as I am honest with myself and others, that’s all that matters.

You taught me the importance of managing my money. Some may laugh at this, thinking that you have lived… beyond your means at certain points in your life. While I understand your rationale for wanting some of the things that you want, behind that, in my opinion is someone who is very aware of how much money he does and does not have. You taught me how to balance a checkbook and that would be an important skill as I left the nest and went out on my own. I will admit, that I don’t balance a checkbook anymore… one needs money in their checking account to do that. When I start working again, I can take that up again. Your money management tutorials has allowed me to be responsible for our household income right now- I pay the bills and I know what is and is not feasible for us financially.

You know, you always wanted to hold my hand when we crossed the street or something like that when I was younger and I hated that. I’ve never really liked to be touched- hand holding and hugging… not so much my thing. But having those moments with you- as much as they made me want to cringe at the time- they have taught me what is important regarding my daughter. I need to give her hugs, hold her hand and tell her that I love her every chance I get.

We were (and still aren’t) the ‘I Love You’ family. You were the only one who said it and I couldn’t understand why. But now, as a Mom I get it. I can look back and remember my father telling me that he loved me. I want Cadence to be able to look back and remember the same. It is a feeling that I cannot describe to you for me to be able to tell my daughter that I love her. If anyone in our family besides you told me that they loved me, I would be sure to cringe and feel uncomfortable. I don’t want it to be like that in my (new) family. I want us to be open and honest about those feelings we have for one another. There are so many people out there who don’t have parents or don’t have someone to tell them that they love them. So.. I get it. Thank you for that, Daddy.

Something that stands out in my mind is when you would go to BJ’s after work and buy a super-sized box of Always pads- just that. I don’t know how many men would walk into a wholesale club and buy a ginormous box of maxi pads, but you did that for me. That showed me right away what kind of man I needed. One who wasn’t afraid to do those little things. Yesterday, we had lunch on base and Cadence was being a handful, so while I tried to calm her down my awesome husband stood there in line with lots of male soldiers in uniform around us and held my very large white Coach bag with purple writing all over it. That’s what real men do- you taught me that.

Of course, there were things you inadvertently taught me like: how not to speak to people. You taught me that I knew I was going to marry a man that knew how to cook and iron his own stuff. You taught me that I was not going to be anyone’s maid. I am an independent woman and needed someone who would respect me as such. I appreciate you for these things.

You always told me that I needed to marry someone who was going to treat me like a Queen. That let me know what to look for in a spouse.

You have made many mistakes in your life. I don’t judge you for these, because though the road may have been long, I believe that you have learned from them. And those lessons are ones that you have tried to instill in both me and Junior to learn from. I am proud of you for having turned your life around and not looking back.

And though you pushed me in ways that I definitely did not appreciate at the time, you taught me the importance of education and striving to do/be the best that I could. You are one of the smartest people that I know and I take pride in knowing that I can call you for a word definition or to edit a paper for me.

Thank you for always supporting me, regardless of whether you agreed with the choices I made or not. Thank you for giving me that good balance of parent-”friend.” I always knew that I could come to you to talk, but I also knew that there would be consequences for any poor decisions that I chose to make.

We aren’t best friends, we have our fights- some last longer than others, but at the end of the day I know that you will always be there for me- regardless of how mad we may be with one another at the moment.

Most importantly, I am happy to have a dad. I’ve said this before, but one thing that I find repulsive is “men” who plant the seed (if you will) and walk away. You are not a man and there is nothing more irresponsible and disgusting to me than someone who doesn’t want to own up to their child and give them the opportunity to have both parents in their lives. So thank you for being there.

As it is always said, “Any man can be a father, but it takes a special person to be a dad.” (Proverb).

So, Happy Dad’s Day.

Love,
DEW

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