On Hemorrhoids and Yeast Infections

**Update: June 9, 2012. It has been almost 1 year since I wrote this post and I am amazed at the emails that I have received criticizing me for being uniformed, uneducated and one that does not take care of my own body. This post was meant to be a complete joke. I don’t get hemorrhoids and yeast infections often. It was just something that popped into my crazy mind one day and I chose to make a joke out of it. I know that men can get both yeast infections and hemorrhoids and I actually take great care of my body… but, I shouldn’t have to justify that to anyone. SO, a word of advice? Grab a sense of humor before you read this one, eh?**

Oh you read correctly.

I am going there.

Close this now if you can’t take the heat.

But ladies, what the FUCK?!

Why do we have the pleasure of not only bleeding from our vaginas once a month and pushing human life out of a small ass hole, but hold the possibility of having yeast infections and (for some of us) thanks to child birth- hemorrhoids? What is that?

Don’t talk to me about Pandora’s box or Adam & Eve and the woman’s curse/plight cause who told Adam’s dumb ass to eat the apple?

Nobody! When the fuck do men ever listen to their wives anyway?

I’ll wait…

Right, never.

So he was an idiot.

I recently told my husband that once a month, men’s balls should just burn like nobody’s fuckin business, maybe then they will get a taste of what we go through with monthly cycles, childbirth, yeast infections and other things that just seem to happen to us without control.

What the fuck is a yeast infection anyway? I’m not gonna bake anything in my crotch. And do I look like I wanna put some white creamy shit for 1, 3, or goodness forbid 7 days? Oh cause I don’t, it wasn’t on my list of things to do.

And while I’m talking about putting things in places, why is the cure for stuff like that the insertion of stuff?

For hemorrhoids you get to stick some Vaseline-like goop in your ass. Seriously? Who thought of this stuff?

I was blessed with hemorrhoids in my third trimester with Pea and they love me so much they like to show their faces from time-to-time. And when the over-the-counter stuff doesn’t work? You have to go see your doctor. Why? I don’t know.

I pay $25 to go to the doctor, have him stick his finger in my ass and go “oh yeah, those are hemorrhoids, here’s a prescrip for your steriod.” Really doc? Good job. I needed you to stick your finger in my ass for $25 to tell me something that I already knew- why couldn’t he just call in the prescription? If I wanted to be sodomized by a finger, which I don’t, I could ask my husband- he’d do it for free.

Moving on. My point? Is what do men get that is as uncomfortable and (for some) embarrassing as hemorrhoids and yeast infections?

Nothing.

What? Like jock itch?

Men scratch their balls anyway, so if you had jock itch who would know? Women can’t just walk around scratching their vag… yeah, that’s not socially acceptable.

Oh and having both a yeast infection and hemorrhoids at the same time?

Your front and back doors are all fucked up. You’re closed for business and a fuckin’ itchy, burning mess.

It’s really just some bullshit.

And I’m done.

If you think, wow- this girl is crazy. I just wanna say that I put this question out on Twitter:

and I received a number of responses telling me to write about both/all, my favorite of those being:

So true Trish. Like hemorrhoids, friends can be a pain in the ass.

I’ll blog about friends another day.

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16 thoughts on “On Hemorrhoids and Yeast Infections

  1. Omg! This was on point and perfect for me as for some reason unbeknownst to me my body decided I should be blessed with not one but two rock hard hemorrhoids AND a yeast infection. Never in my life have I ever had both at the same time and was frantically looking for some remedy and stumbled upon this. Laughed so hard I actually felt better!

  2. I can tell you that I was never so happy to read these posts. It has nothing to do with being dirty and it is ridiculous that there isn’t more focus on fixing it. I think its because we all suffer in silence for so long. I frankly have had enough and I am super happy to get some suggestions to try. I even had a doctor tell me to boil my undies once because washing them sometimes doesn’t get all the issues out….I didn’t boil, just threw them out and bought new. Thank you again and for all you stupid people who think its a hygiene issue – you know what I think.

  3. This was HILARIOUS and made my morning since it was yet another morning that I have awaken in miserable agony with both hemorrhoid AND a yeast infection!! Nothing new for me since this seems to be a constant vicious cycle I have come to live with since I gave birth to my last child 13 yrs ago!! It’s not fair!!! It makes my sex life non existent, it makes me feel worthless and I don’t feel like a woman but like some 70 yo man!!! And the more I read these kinds of stories of other poor women that are going through the same despair it makes me wonder why the medical field has not done more to figure out how to help us! Those stupid pills and creams and suppositories are all JOKES!! I have taken them so much at this point that I too like the other reader have built up more than a resistance to these special drugs….I now am severely allergic to ANYTHING having to do with a yeast medication! I break out in horrible sores all over my body now! Even with the over the counter junk! So now I have turned away from doctors and western medicine and have been concentrating on a more holistic and natural approach which is obviously still a struggle….like a needle in a haystack! What is going to be the right combination of herbs and stuff that my body will respond to??? Who knows!!!?? I am thankful to my husband who is so understanding and has been treating himself with yeast infection treatments just to cut down on my infection period. I use to think I was crazy….I use to think it was all in my head….I use to think no one else could understand such horrible embarrassing issues…..but as much as it feels good to joke about and make fun of ourselves, cause lets be real what else CAN we do at this point!!?? It is a REAL thing…a real problem that needs our doctors taking us more seriously instead of shoving more pills and suppositories up our vajayjays and buttholes!! Thank you @Abittersweet1 for the laughs to help us forget for the moment!

  4. You’re an angel for writing this. It’s nice to know I’m not miserable and alone with this problem. I am 24 and started having chronic yeast infections almost one year ago. I have gotten one, sometimes two, every single month for the past 12 months. I am going insane. First of all, to everybody who has burning, itching, disgusting discharge that oozes out of your vagina, I AM SO SORRY. Monistat is a joke. For me, it seems to make my yeast infection worse. And, I have never enjoyed waking up to my underwear soaked and sticky in the middle of the night (Anybody sat in a bathtub at 3am because they just wanted some relief?) I have tried Diflucan/Fluconazole so much that I have built up a resistance and my primary care physician has taken to just prescribing me boxes of the stuff….let me stress that one box contains 14 pills, intended for single use, not consecutive. The oral medications no longer works, not to mention it’s terrible on the kidneys and liver. I am currently on terconazole (prescribed 3 day cream). I hate creams. This is out of utter desperation. I have never tried it, but I have decided that at this point I will try anything. I ALSO have been getting hemorrhoids as well. I have them internally and externally. One word: GARLIC. Sure, I have tried Prep H and that seems to help a lot. But this week when they flared up really terribly I tried mashing up a clove of garlic, mixing it with a little Prep H and then rubbing it around that area (I would not recommend putting it up into your anus). It stung like crazy and I only kept it on for 10 minutes tops before leaping into a lukewarm bathtub. But Good God almighty, it worked. Try it. Then rub a little ice cube down there because it will be inflamed and then, enjoy not having burning or itching for the rest of the day. I repeated this the next night and have been very happy at the outcome. Also, I take 2 stool softeners and eat about 2-4 fiber gummies a day. Good luck. Also, I’m about to start experimenting with my own body over the yeast infections because they truly are ruining my sex life and overall happiness.

    1. Abby I’m sorry you’re going through this. I have a friend who gets chronic yeast infections too. She’s not a happy camper.

      I had someone comment and tell me that I’m nasty & don’t take care of my body & that’s why I get them. Some people are so ridiculous. Take care of yourself girl, I know it sucks.

  5. I once had a female sociology professor state that if men had monthly periods or were the ones to carry a fetus for nine months, there would be very few people on the planet. Many would go into a maniacal rage over being inconvenienced or cramped from pain. Since most of the mass murders and shootings are done by young males, can you imagine how much worse it would be if their balls burned monthly or liquid leaked out of their bodies? I can’t imagine a pregnant man in my wildest imagination. Testosterone levels would kick in and cause them to injure the fetus either accidentally or intentionally from too much physical contact, especially if they got pregnant at a young age.

  6. Lol! Loved the article, hate hemorrhoids and yeast infections! Men really don’t know what we have to go through. I’m unlucky enough to have hemorrhoids AND a yeast infection right now, but thanks for brightening up my day with your humor. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one! X)

  7. I googled “yeast infections and hemorrhoids” and this was the first thing that came up. Thanks for the laugh in the midst of all this pain and discomfort. Seriously, I feel like I’m cursed. It’s horrible.

  8. Hahahaha. This has got the be the funniest thing I’ve read all day. And on top of it all, so true! Why do we get all the hardship. I want to have the ability to stand and pee in a corner.

    Quote: “I’m not gonna bake anything in my crotch”
    This really got my cracking! :)
    Aambeien´s last blog post ..Productoverzicht vernieuwd

  9. I hate to break this to you and ruin your rant… but guys can get yeast infections and hemorrhoids, too. Pretty nasty ones.

    I ended up with hemorrhoids from weight training when I was a professional athlete… strained the wrong way and POW… prolapsed! And it just never goes away!

    Now I’ve ended up with a persistent penile AND rectal yeast infection from the steroids to treat the hemorrhoids. Fan-fucking-tastic :P

    The one thing I’ve found that helps the most is yogurt. Plain, unsweetened yogurt with active probiotic bacterial cultures in it. Eating it and applying it externally. It fights off the yeast with amazing speed! If you haven’t tried it, I highly recommend it! Works better than any antifungal treatment I’ve had from the doctor!

    I agree on the finger up the ass for something you already know you have… how annoying! And my doctor is this stern, middle eastern man with the bedside manner of a bar room brawler. Ugh!

    1. Hey Scott! You didn’t ruin my rant. I know men get them too. I had a close family member that always got hemorrhoids when I was younger. But sometimes… when I’m ranting. I like to pretend I’m the only one with that problem. LOL at your doctor- how funny! Thanks for sharing. :)

  10. ok. everything about this made me howl with laughter…but this line:

    “Why do we have the pleasure of not only bleeding from our vaginas once a month and pushing human life out of a small ass hole, but hold the possibility of having yeast infections and (for some of us) thanks to child birth- hemorrhoids?”

    Made me giggle because I read it “pushing human life out of a small asshole” and I was like WHAT? and then I went back and read it right.

    I have never had a hemorrhoid and have had only one yeast infection…and i didn’t know i had it until my OB told me I did. don’t hate me.

    1. LOL

      Oh God Katie that comment made me laugh. I don’t hate you. I hate yeast infections… and hemorrhoids. And yeah- a small ass. hole. not an asshole, that would be all kindsa wrong if our kids came out of our butts. Though I think the world would be less populated because of it. I adore you!

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