I mean I could totally be exaggerating…

But have you ever experienced the absolute fear that comes with having your car skid off to the wrong side of the road and be stuck because it will no longer move?

Yeah…

That was my Wednesday morning.

So the news said that it would snow and there would be winds between 30 and 50 miles per hour. “Look for school closures and delays” they said, but I know my school district and I know that Jesus Christ himself could appear and say “school is closed today” and our Superintendent would say “uhh no, school is open. Sorry Jesus.”

So I woke up yesterday morning and knew I’d need to leave extra early to give myself enough time to make it through the snow. I drove in the snow last winter and by no means do I consider myself an expert, but I did pretty okay. I was an absolute nervous wreck every time I drove in the snow, but I did okay. Come on- I’m a Florida girl. Torrential rain? I can do. Snow? Not so much.

Anyway, I left at about 6:15 knowing I’d need every last second to get there as I knew I’d be driving well below the speed limit. The roads were covered with snow… except it was about 25 degrees outside, so the snow was actually ice. Every. Last. Flake of snow was ice. The roads had not been plowed (surprise, surprise… they are HORRIBLE about plowing here)… no sand, no salt- nothin’.

Well, not only were the Colorado drivers disapproving of me driving about 20-30 mph when the speed limit on the street by my house is 55 mph (never mind that I was sliding here, there and everywhere) but one even had the nerve to both tailgate and highbeam me!! (Asshole!)

So, after much swerving and sliding, the day came to an abrupt halt when before my eyes on an uphill 3 cars started skidding and/or sliding backwards down the hill. I go into absolute panic mode- holy shit, holy shit- what do I do? what do I do? So, I brake. I can’t keep going straight, right? I’d drive right into someone and be an ice accident statistic. The minute I stepped on my brakes I knew this was not going to end well. I slid, my tires turned and whirred and my 2007 Nissan Sentra with way too expensive Yokohama all-weather tires which are supposedly “great in the winters” slid right into the wrong side of the road and then? My car stopped.

It was still running, but it refused to move.

I pressed the gas. Whirr, whirr, whirr said my tires.

“Awe shit” I thought.I’m fuckin stuck on an uphill, right by a blind corner on the wrong side of the road… I can just see a truck/car/van come flying around this corner thinking all is well and SMACK hitting me head on.

I tried to move the car again. Whirr, whirr, whirr

Even worse? Now there’s a car right next to me… stuck. And the 2 cars that were stalled in front of me? Still stuck.

Okay, think. Think. “Oh wait, two more cars coming up behind me… don’t hit me, don’t hit me… Wait… oh… they are sliding too. Aaaand they are now stuck. This is great.”

Okay, I can’t move forward. I can’t go back. And I’m stuck on an uphill, on the wrong side of the road, in the dark (why would there be streetlights on the road? That’s just all too easy!). Start freaking out right…

Now.

Oh my God, Oh my God. Holy Shit. Holy Shit. Okay…. call husband. Bluetooth on, calling Husband.

“Babe? Um so I’m stuck. On an uphill. On the wrong side of the road AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!

OH MY GOD. I’M GONNA GET HIT BY ANOTHER CAR.

THIS IS SO FUCKING BAD.

I HATE THIS FUCKING CAR! HATE.

WHAT DO I DO?! I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

I’m sure the conversation was much more hysterical than that with my husband saying “calm down babe, calm down… here’s what you do….

Long story short….

There was a frantic phone call to my boss. (Who told me to go home and don’t even think about coming in)

There were police involved.

The road was shut down.

The cop helped me turn around.

I pulled into the first parking lot I saw.

Abandoned my fucking car there (thank you, 7-Eleven), got a donut and coffee, got into my husband’s car and took my ass home.

Two conclusions came out of this debacle:

1. I need a new fucking car. More specifically I need a Jeep (or SUV as you non-New York City people call them).

2. I need to move back to fuckin Florida cause this ice is some bullshit.

Number 1 will be happening this weekend. Rash decision? Maybe. But part of me could only think about what I would do if Pea was in the car with me when all of this shit went down. I know that SUVs are not the be-all, end-all in the world of ice and snow. BUT being armed with 4 x4 power plus great tires plus all around air bags gives me some type of feeling of security. Especially when driving with my most prized Princess Pea.

Number 2? I’m workin on it. No joke. You hear that JILL, VAL, MARION AND DEVORA?!?!? I AM TRYING TO COME THE FUCK HOME.

That is all.

Shout out to Jesus for getting me out of that mess and home safe. You da man.

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