When Pea was born, we were in Florida. Just us, a family of three with no family close by. Then we moved 3,000 miles away to California with an even greater distance between us and family. For 1 1/2 years it was just Pea and I at home all day, every day. And even now in Colorado it’s just us three. Together.
Therefore, the husband and I don’t get much “we time” and I mean we’re okay with that. As my friend Jill would say “it is what it is.” This is the life we’ve chosen for ourselves. And, in hindsight, I love my space. I always have. That’s why I left home at 17 and never looked back. I like the way we live and the lives we’ve chosen for ourselves, the choices we’ve made in raising Pea- all ours. No influences needed.
With that being said, it’s hard when family does visit or we visit them. They love Pea so much (who wouldn’t) and want to spend time with her alone and I can’t even swallow that. I’m not ready. My mom came for 3 weeks and I don’t think we gave her five seconds alone with Pea.
I have separation anxiety.
She’s my baby and let’s not forget that I call her my miracle baby since we’ve struggled so hard to have another kid. She’s mine and I can’t leave her. It pains us to even leave her at school during the day, but Momma’s gotta work to make that money, right?
I don’t like to share. I don’t want to share.
Or I do…
But I’m just not ready.
When we visit family in Nebraska, you think that would be the perfect time for alone time, but it’s not. It’s just family time. Us and Pea.
I was talking to my friend Crissy and I know I’m not insane because her baby girl Kylee, same age as Pea, has never spent the night away from her mom and dad nor have they gone extended periods of time away from each other. My friend Trish said the same thing about her daughter Lila- who will be 5 in May!
I know I’m not insane. Is it a Mommy thing?
Then I feel bad because Pea is loved by her grandparents and they want to indulge every moment with her. But I want to be there too. You want to go to lunch? Sure, if I can come. You want to go to the park? Yup and I’ll come too.
Am I being a hawk?
Maybe I’m afraid I will miss something significant that happens with Pea.
I spoke with the husband and I think we’ve both decided that we have no idea when we’ll be ready for Pea to even spend the night away from us. Maybe when she is in Elementary School because I know that’s when sleepovers start? Maybe only if the sleepover is at my house… Okay, maybe Middle School…
I’m sure I’ll get over it. Maybe one day when I have more than one kid I’ll be begging people to take at least one of them, but for now? I want to keep her close for as long as I can.
I know it’s selfish, but I don’t share well.
At least, I don’t share my kid well.
How bout you?
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So I clicked over here from the BlogHer feature on someone else’s site and now I’m in love (that is way creepier than I meant it to sound, so don’t get scared just yet).
My kids are 11, 8, and 2. It took a while before the oldest spent the night away from us and I’m nearly certain I was outside my mother-in-law’s house at the crack of dawn the next day. I can’t remember where we’d gone, but my husband was so excited: we’re gonna dance and have fun and come back and hump and not have to worry about getting up to feed her and we can watch a movie and blast the music and play drunk Tetris and holy shit we can both get drunk because we don’t need to be responsible. And all I had was: uh-huh. Oh sure, we did all those things but I couldn’t enjoy it and I could barely sleep and when the sun peeked through my curtain, I got up and got my baby.
My middle girl has spent the night away at only one friend’s house and I’m cool with that. Until she expressing the desire to do it again, I’m not pushing it. Because honestly, as old as they are, I still worry. I am the mother who says yes to a sleepover (even with family) and walks in with new batteries for your smoke detector. I truly believe in my heart it’s going to be a LONG time before the boy spends the night anywhere.
You will figure it out. It gets easier to let go. What I suggest, though, is doing it when you’re ready. If you feel forced it’s not worth it. When others have our kids and we trust they are safe and well cared for, it is our time to enjoy something we wouldn’t normally be able to do. You’ll get there. (Just wait until Pea gets a sleepover invitation from a kid at school whose parents you don’t know. This is amazing to me, still).
Arnebya´s last [type] ..Wordful Wednesday: Good Endings to Pretty Ungood Beginnings
Thank you. It does feel forced… at least to me. I’m not ready. Point blank, period. I’ma need some people to ease up on me and stop actin’ like it’s supposed to happen overnight.
I can relate. It took me a long time before I was able to leave my kids with their grandparents or aunt. To this day, my husband and I have not left them with anyone other than the grandparents or their aunt when we have to leave them (which isn’t often, but at least once a month or so for a date night). I just don’t think I could trust a teenager or even college kid with them. When I was working from home for a few months and we had a nanny (college student) I was always in the house and would check on them every hour or so. I think as our kids get older we start to let go a little bit. But if you’re not ready, I don’t think there is anything wrong with that either. You know your little girl better than anyone. And you’ll know when the time is right to give others solo time with her.
Jennifer´s last [type] ..Secret Mommy-hood Confession Saturday
Jennifer, I appreciate the advice. I’d probably be the same way if I was a WAHM with a Nanny, peeking in at all times. I guess I have in my mind what works for Pea and/or what’s best for her and so I worry that others won’t follow through with that…
I guess I am the oddball! I never really had a hard time letting either boy go to my mom and dad’s for the night. I considered it time to “breathe” and have a night out with Steve. I knew they were taken care of and having fun. Did I miss seeing the first time Jake got a hole in one playing putt-putt? You bet I did, but…it meant the world to my parents. You will figure out when it is time to let Pea do some more things on her own. She is a remarkable little girl as you are a wonderful mom! After 8 and a half years of being a mom (the MOST wonderful profession there is) I have learned, there is more than one way to skin a cat and you have to do what is best for you! I love you girl!
Oh Jill. I love you woman.
It was hard for me to let my oldest go the first time but since then? No problem. Do I miss them? Sure. But I love them having adventures on their own… some of my fondest memories growing up were the times I spent away from my parents. The memories of sleep overs and trips with my Grandmother are some that I cherish more than anything… especially now that she’s gone. Not that I liked being away, but you get to learn new things, in new environments. My middle is in Puerto Rico right now with my best friends and the only pang I feel right now is jealousy. I’m so grateful that she is able to go and have A time of her life.. with a safe and familiar family. Don’t be afraid to let Pea have a life outside of Mom and Dad… all kids need that. That’s what helps them grow into (even more) amazing human beings. I promise it will only hurt for a few minutes.. when she comes back full of laughter and stories, you’ll know you did the right thing.
Thanks Kristen. And I know from your blog that your girls are great kids. So I hope I do 1/2 as good a job as you did with my Pea. I really appreciate the momvice.
I get this completely. My son is the first grandson on my side and the first nephew, great nephew etc and the first of my friends circle…so yea, he gets a lot of attention. I would get very anxious about it, but I had to learn that I can’t be there for him all the time. He needs this socialization in order to grow. Pea knows that you love her to bits and will be there when she’s done playing…in fact I guarentee you that she will always be looking over her shoulder for you.
But yes, they do need their space too. It sucks but that’s part of being a parent. Boo.
Kimberly´s last [type] ..Secret Mommy-hood Confession Saturday
I think I got tears in my eyes Kim. You’re right. I know you’re right. I just need to let it be.