No?
Well I have and lemme tell you, it is not a good feeling.
Actually. It hurts. Really bad.
Pea has been displaying behaviors in school that I’ve never seen or heard of before.
And it has brought me to tears every. single. time. I’ve had to talk to my husband and her teachers about it.
Imagine. If you can for a minute. How hard it is for me to air this “dirty laundry” and try to tuck your judgement into your back pocket, please. If you can’t, that’s fine, but I’d rather you not leave a comment telling me all I’m doing wrong.
My mommy guilt is so strong right now and I don’t need your help with that.
The week before last she bit her teacher. My child, in her 3 1/2 years on this planet has never bitten anyone. Ever.
According to them, she was not being safe, they asked her to move away from what she was doing. She said no, they tried to pick her up and move her and she bit them.
That same day, she also threw a broom across the room out of anger because, according to her teachers, she was mad because they took something away from her that she wanted to have.
The next week, she threw everything off of her teacher’s desk. She was mad because they needed her to go to the rug for carpet time and she wasn’t done doing her writing center. She wanted to finish- they needed her at the carpet. Included in that tantrum was her throwing every book off of the bookshelf, going into the bathroom and undressing herself from the waist down and throwing her shoes at her teacher.
I mean… what. the fuck?
This is the kid who I’ve heard from her other teachers is “so sweet” and “so smart.” She’s lost her fuckin’ mind y’all.
Pea is unable to express her feelings verbally very well. When you ask why she’s done/is doing something you usually get “cause, cause, cause…” and it takes her about 40 years to tell you what’s actually going on with her. Between the school and home we’ve been working really hard on getting her to use her words instead of crying, but now? She’s getting aggressive.
Forget anything else that I’ve ever said on this blog about being Pea’s mom.
Forget any time that I’ve ever complained about something she’s done.
This? Is hard.
It hits me in the core.
When I talk to the teachers…
When I have to leave work in the middle of the day because I’m called to her school because she’s being sent home…
It’s like I don’t know who they are talking about.
Whose child is this?
Last week, her teacher called and I hear my child screaming at the top of her lungs in the background “No! NO!” There is nothing more painful than hearing your 3 1/2 year old screaming and crying on the other end of a phone line.
I can’t really explain the panic mode that I went into.
It’s also hard, as a mom, when you feel like you don’t have anyone who can relate or that you can talk to about what you’re going through.
My husband and I brainstorm a lot- we question our parenting, we wonder if we could have done something different or if we’ve done something wrong. Especially because this behavior is so new.
Folks, she does not do this stuff at home. You know that I’d tell you if she did.
She doesn’t kick, bite, scream, undress herself, nothing.
The extent of her toddler tantrums at home is crying and stomping her feet.
That’s it.
So when the teachers call you in and ask for “what works” at home and “what you do…” I got nothin’.
You know what else?
It makes me feel dumb when they ask me and I have no response.
I feel like, again, I don’t know my own child or like a bad mom.
It’s hard when you tell some people what you’re going through and all you get back is “my kids never did that” or “my kids were so good” or something to that extent.
I know that no two children are alike, but seriously? I can’t be the only mom dealing with a toddler/child that is going through major changes.
I know that I can lean on my friend Jill because her son, Drew, was an absolute mega-biter and she’s been there/done that. She also said that it took him over a year to cut it out.
Um… I don’t wanna wait a year. (Love you, Jill)
We want to help Pea. We want this crap to stop. We want her to be able to verbalize her feelings and not hurt herself, a teacher or someone else’s child at school.
I feel like asking my family would yield little results because I always get “you kids didn’t do that” (apparently my siblings and I were perfect children… good thing we all turned out to be amazing adults)
Some people have said that she may be acting out because the new baby is coming soon and maybe she’s jealous and maybe she’ll just have to take the time to work through it once he’s here.
But no one knows because she doesn’t have the capacity to tell us.
My child. The one who’s so articulate and can tell me things I’d never imagined can’t express her feelings.
I’m at the bottom y’all.
Of a dark place.
I need help and I’m not afraid to say it out loud.
Has my child lost her mind?
Have you been through this?
How do we get through this phase without becoming alcoholics?
Any advice is welcome.
But again, if you wanna tell me where I fucked up as a parent, you can click that red ‘x’ and close this window now.
Ready? Go.
Come on…don’t copy- get your own material. Nobody likes a cheater! Original & Hand Written Plagiarism Will Be Detected. This site is being monitored by CopyGator. Mmkay? Thanks.
I know my daughter is older…she is 13 going on 35…but she has dyslexia and this year she decided she was not going to tutoring anymore. She was being very sassy and rude to her teachers, her counselors and her tutor and we were all pulling our hair out trying to figure out how to make this experience useful to her. She would skip tutoring altogether and since the school is paying for the tutor…they were not happy that she was just blowing her tutor off when someone else who wants to be there could have used the service. I’ve had many tearful sessions at school with everyone, trying to figure it out, but her English teacher had a brilliant idea. We got another person to tutor her…and she has hit it off with her.. She no longer fights about it, she shows up everyday and she is pleasant and she really likes this new tutor. Sometimes I think that there are personality conflicts and maybe a different teacher would be more suited to your beautiful little girl. I feel like life is too short and too valuable to spend it miserable. I may be wrong, but I would do anything to make my kids happier and healthier. You and your husband are good parents and it will all work itself out.
Good luck
Thanks, Shannon. We actually did switch teachers. There were a few rough days, but now she is doing seemingly well (I don’t want to jinx myself). BUT she seems to be back to her “normal” toddler self where you only have to ask her 30 times to do something.
I’m glad with our choice to change teachers, the other teacher? Not so much, but you know what- it’s not her child. Right?
I know I’m a little late to the conversation…
I was thinking of Pea and this behavior and my class this year. I have ALOT of challenging behaviors this year, including chair throwers, tantrum havers, yellers, and “I HATE YOU”ers. I realized after a few weeks of ridiculous stress and wanting to quit my job, that what I was doing with my class wasn’t working. I was being consistent with a system and getting consistent results, just not the results I wanted. So I decided to change me in order to change them. I’m not even looking for the best way, I just want any way that will work even a little bit.
Maybe, just maybe her teacher’s way isn’t a good way for her right now. It takes alot of time and alot of soul searching to come to this realization, but it may be worth a small mention to her teacher.
I mean c’mon, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results right?
Hey Dev,
So she’s had a **good** first 2 days back to school after having 1 week off. We told her teacher about her behavior chart at home and they know she’s working towards (long-term) the ability to go trick-or-treating. She’s getting smiley/sad faces. It seems to be working for now. She really wants smiley faces, so… we’ll see. I did change classes and this teacher seems to adjust her behavior to Pea’s needs. Pea is very lovey-dovey and needs that from time-to-time, so when necessary, they give that to her. Again, we’ll see how it goes from here on out. Thanks for always helping when I have issues with her.
No thoughts of fuckedupness allowed. None of us know what the hell we’re doing. My girls didn’t act out, but this boy? At 3, he is already showing signs of becoming physical when angry. All I keep hearing in my head is Martin saying “Somebody done told you wrong”.
I’m glad the school is working with you. It may just be that she has to work through it and really all you can do is keep encouraging her to talk and use words instead of throwing shit because while we all want to throw shit from time to time, it rarely ever gets us what we want when we do. You know what, she’s an intelligent kid. Tell her you sometimes want to hit and throw too but there are consequences to every action. Maybe if she knows it’s not that she’s feeling the wrong way but acting the wrong way, it’ll sink in eventually? Have other kids flipped out in class? Maybe she’s seeing it there? I guess we could use her being angry about changes, angry about the baby, but it’s all conjecture at this point. The only suggestion I have is to try to make home/school as similar as possible. Since we’ve already determined there’s an issue with transitioning, school needs to be way verbal with her like 20+ minutes in advance saying Pea, in 10 minutes we’re moving to the rug. In 5 minutes we’re moving to the rug. Start cleaning up, you have 2 minutes until we move to the rug. And as long as school knows that y’all ain’t beating her and she ain’t high, eventually something will click. I can’t guarantee how swiftly it’ll happen, but it’ll happen.
Arnebya´s last [type] ..The Bright Side of 39 (and a letter to myself)
Hi…so I’m not a parent but I am an aunty and my nephew was put in pre-school to help with his speech and let me tell you he loses his mind when it’s time to change center’s or do something other then what he wants to do. The teachers would give him his Thomas train or something else that soothes him and if he misbehaved he would get the train taken away. Then if he wanted it back he had to do what was being told. Would that work? I can’t imagine how hard it is to hear that she’s hurting somehow because really anger is just a secondary emotion that is brought out by fear, anger, anxiety those things so if she’s angry it’s probably really something else. What about taking her to talk to a child counsellor or you speaking to one about how to best get her to verbalize her feelings? Maybe a book about proper behaviour when upset?
Just a few suggestions, it pains me to hear that you’re hurting especially when its such an exciting time for you. You’re little man will be here soon. Just wait about the day when as a teenager you can emabrass her with the story of taking her clothes off and throwing her shoes at her teacher…she’ll be mortified just as you were when it happened!
You’re doing a fantastic job.
Amie
Amie, thank you. I’ve actually called a therapist & a developmental pediatrician… I’ll take any & all help. I’ve been playing phone tag with them, so we’ll see what they say. They say at school they do want to try giving her rewards if she does what they ask, so we’ll see if that works. I really just want her to be able to verbalize her feelings. Her dad and I have told her that it’s okay to be mad, sad- whatever, as long as she can say so and express it appropriately.
Sigh. It’s a work in progress…
Not all family is judgmental. As a father I do understand that children go through “differing stages” and parenting has nothing to do with it. Yes it might be difficult to understand her behavior right now but I do note that some of your friends have excellent ideas. All you can do is what you have been doing. Continue to have a dialogue with her because she might in fact be acting out the trauma of your upcoming event. She probably does not want to verbalize how she really feels, but this too shall pass. You are a great parent and there is no manual that gives directions on the right or wrong way to parent. Yes it is frustrating but in the end it will all work out and you will wonder what the worry was about. Maintain the confidence and the faith that is NOTHING wrong with your parenting style. Every “child: has to evolve to be his or her own person and although wee might not like the way they get there, they do and the results will please you.
Just sending love to one of the strongest women I know. xxoxoxoxo
My first thoughts were something at school or the new baby.
One of our local hospitals offers a “new sibling” class. Do you have something like that around there? Maybe something like that would help her (if that’s indeed what this is) with the transition.
At around that age, Darling Girl had MAJOR issues with transitions. No biting, but there was hitting, kicking, screaming, and clothes removal (complete with throwing it at people). We had some luck with making sure she was ready for a transition with several advance warnings. “In five minutes, we’re going to…” “In two minutes, we’re going to…” That helped a little bit, but most preschools I know do transitions like that anyway so it might not be that at all.
Luckily, DG has always been very verbal and good at explaining things to us, but I’ve noticed that if she’s upset or frustrated that it doesn’t always happen. Whenever she gets overly upset and gets a block on what she’s trying to say, I tell her, “Take a minute, take a breath, and then start over.” That helps too.
I don’t know if that’s a lot of help, but I hope whatever it is, it passes SOON!
I did forget to mention that we’ve been setting timers at home and at school. “When the timer goes off, you’re going to…” It is comforting to hear, though, that my child isn’t the only one who’s disrobed herself out of anger.
Oh yours is soooooooooo not the only one who has disrobed in anger! We were once in Target and DG was sitting in the big part of the basket and she got so pissed that I wouldn’t let her have something she wanted, she started taking off her clothes and throwing them at me. It was awesome. I had to carry her out of the store half-clothed and screaming. :/
She is mad alright…. and without knowing her it is really tough to say why. I know it isn’t long until you have the new baby… “cause, cause, cause…” could likely be she doesn’t want to tell you she is mad. OR it could be school is asking her to move quicker doing a task than she cares to move.
If it is the new baby she is going to have to come to terms with it, she has been the one and only for awhile now and sharing your attention probably isn’t on the top of her list in things to do.
If it is something at school triggering it, being in education yourself,it could be something you can figure out pretty quickly- in your examples they asked her to do something, she didn’t want to, she threw a fit or did things totally not like her. She is angry and being defiant. She knows she can’t do those things at home BUT if she does them at school she gets attention and quickly.
You aren’t being a bad parent- you are doing everything you can.
Thanks, we’re trying. I do think it’s the transitioning in the classroom that is killing her because she is strong-willed and wants to do what she wants to do. So if she’s not done coloring, then damn it! She wants to finish coloring (or whatever she’s doing). If it’s the baby, we’ll work with her the best we can to get through it.
Oh friend.
I want to help, but I don’t know. Eddie is not to Pea’s age yet. Maybe there is something more going on at SCHOOL that you don’t know about. Since she doesn’t do this at home, maybe there is a kid or something that has gotten to her. Is it possible to go and sit in school for the day (or morning or afternoon) with her before the little man arrives? Is your hubs taking time off when the baby gets here? Maybe Pea could stay home a few days? Maybe she needs a break? Maybe something at school is hard and she doesn’t know how to get her frustration out?
Really, I am probably not helping. But I do want to.
Katie´s last [type] ..Project 365 {week 41}
Friend, I’ve asked her if she doesn’t like school or her teacher or…
Ya know? She’s got her bestest friend in the whole world in her class. When I talk about her maybe not being at the school anymore, she cries. She said it’s a “big kid” school and she likes it. Her teachers think it will just take her a while to get used to the structure of raising her hand, transitioning through centers and rug time, etc. They see at school that when it is time to transition, unless she “wants to” it ain’t gonna happen. That’s usually when the meltdowns happen. When they ask her to do something that she doesn’t want to do.
A good friend of mine, and huge Love & Logic cheerleader, said that maybe things just need to get worse before they get better. She may need to work out her jealousy/whatever issues she has and we just keep talking it out with her. I’ve gotten advice to try and act it out with dolls or something. Her teacher is dedicated to working with her, though, so that’s the good/comforting part. We’re just gonna keep trying. And encouraging. And drinking after she goes to bed.