Well I have and lemme tell you, it is not a good feeling.
Actually. It hurts. Really bad.
Pea has been displaying behaviors in school that I’ve never seen or heard of before.
And it has brought me to tears every. single. time. I’ve had to talk to my husband and her teachers about it.
Imagine. If you can for a minute. How hard it is for me to air this “dirty laundry” and try to tuck your judgement into your back pocket, please. If you can’t, that’s fine, but I’d rather you not leave a comment telling me all I’m doing wrong.
My mommy guilt is so strong right now and I don’t need your help with that.
The week before last she bit her teacher. My child, in her 3 1/2 years on this planet has never bitten anyone. Ever.
According to them, she was not being safe, they asked her to move away from what she was doing. She said no, they tried to pick her up and move her and she bit them.
That same day, she also threw a broom across the room out of anger because, according to her teachers, she was mad because they took something away from her that she wanted to have.
The next week, she threw everything off of her teacher’s desk. She was mad because they needed her to go to the rug for carpet time and she wasn’t done doing her writing center. She wanted to finish- they needed her at the carpet. Included in that tantrum was her throwing every book off of the bookshelf, going into the bathroom and undressing herself from the waist down and throwing her shoes at her teacher.
I mean… what. the fuck?
This is the kid who I’ve heard from her other teachers is “so sweet” and “so smart.” She’s lost her fuckin’ mind y’all.
Pea is unable to express her feelings verbally very well. When you ask why she’s done/is doing something you usually get “cause, cause, cause…” and it takes her about 40 years to tell you what’s actually going on with her. Between the school and home we’ve been working really hard on getting her to use her words instead of crying, but now? She’s getting aggressive.
Forget anything else that I’ve ever said on this blog about being Pea’s mom.
Forget any time that I’ve ever complained about something she’s done.
This? Is hard.
It hits me in the core.
When I talk to the teachers…
When I have to leave work in the middle of the day because I’m called to her school because she’s being sent home…
It’s like I don’t know who they are talking about.
Whose child is this?
Last week, her teacher called and I hear my child screaming at the top of her lungs in the background “No! NO!” There is nothing more painful than hearing your 3 1/2 year old screaming and crying on the other end of a phone line.
I can’t really explain the panic mode that I went into.
It’s also hard, as a mom, when you feel like you don’t have anyone who can relate or that you can talk to about what you’re going through.
My husband and I brainstorm a lot- we question our parenting, we wonder if we could have done something different or if we’ve done something wrong. Especially because this behavior is so new.
Folks, she does not do this stuff at home. You know that I’d tell you if she did.
She doesn’t kick, bite, scream, undress herself, nothing.
The extent of her toddler tantrums at home is crying and stomping her feet.
So when the teachers call you in and ask for “what works” at home and “what you do…” I got nothin’.
You know what else?
It makes me feel dumb when they ask me and I have no response.
I feel like, again, I don’t know my own child or like a bad mom.
It’s hard when you tell some people what you’re going through and all you get back is “my kids never did that” or “my kids were so good” or something to that extent.
I know that no two children are alike, but seriously? I can’t be the only mom dealing with a toddler/child that is going through major changes.
I know that I can lean on my friend Jill because her son, Drew, was an absolute mega-biter and she’s been there/done that. She also said that it took him over a year to cut it out.
Um… I don’t wanna wait a year. (Love you, Jill)
We want to help Pea. We want this crap to stop. We want her to be able to verbalize her feelings and not hurt herself, a teacher or someone else’s child at school.
I feel like asking my family would yield little results because I always get “you kids didn’t do that” (apparently my siblings and I were perfect children… good thing we all turned out to be amazing adults)
Some people have said that she may be acting out because the new baby is coming soon and maybe she’s jealous and maybe she’ll just have to take the time to work through it once he’s here.
But no one knows because she doesn’t have the capacity to tell us.
My child. The one who’s so articulate and can tell me things I’d never imagined can’t express her feelings.
I’m at the bottom y’all.
Of a dark place.
I need help and I’m not afraid to say it out loud.
Has my child lost her mind?
Have you been through this?
How do we get through this phase without becoming alcoholics?
Any advice is welcome.
But again, if you wanna tell me where I fucked up as a parent, you can click that red ‘x’ and close this window now.
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