Thank You, Internet


The Internet gives me many things. But this?

I think we’ve reached an all new low.

The Internet gave me this precious gift last night

Billy Ray Cyrus has remade Achy Breaky Heart.

I mean, really?

With a rapper?

And the space-aged chicks?

With the booty poppin’?

And the smoke?

And the lights?

I can’t.

Send shrooms. Or Molly. Or acid.

Cause that’s what this video was made for.


But I’m not promoting recreational drug use, cause- no.

Did you miss the booty clap? And Billy Ray’s raggedy hair?

One more time.

What does twerkin’ and space ships and thongs have to do with telling someone about your achy breaky heart?

Really, Billy?

Cause if she wasn’t leavin’ you then, she’s DEFINITELY leaving you now after this video.

If for nothing else, just for the sheer embarrassment that it’s brought her.

Cause I’m pretty sure that you, Billy Ray Cyrus, have lost all sense of what’s right and wrong in this world.

But maybe not. Cause here I am talkin’ about it- and the whole Internet is talking about it.

So, maybe your publicist is a marketing genius. Maybe this is all a great marketing scheme. Maybe this video is a hoax, a parody to make you relevant again?

Please, baby Jesus, say yes.

Thank you, Internet for making me lose faith in all humanity with this (please sense the sarcasm here).

And you’re welcome, readers, for this gem. Also? If you go download Achy Breaky Heart 2 on iTunes we may not be able to be friends anymore.

“Or you can tell my eyes to watch out for my mind
It might be walking out on me today*”

Yes, Billy. Your mind has walked out on you.

Miley must be so proud.

*Actual line from the original Achy Breaky Heart…

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