I go into the garage to put a disturbingly smelly diaper straight into the outside garbage and what happens?

I hear the house door shut.

Whatever. She has shut it before.

I turn around to go . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: Total Mommy #Fail]]> My kid damn near gave me an aneurysm heart attack… she damn near killed me today!

I go into the garage to put a disturbingly smelly diaper straight into the outside garbage and what happens?

I hear the house door shut.

Whatever. She has shut it before.

I turn around to go back in the house, turn the knob… and it’s locked!

Deep breaths.

“Can you open the door for Momma?” {Door knob jiggles}
“Pea… open the door please” {More jiggling, then nothing}

In my mind: FUCK!

I go around the side of the door to the back patio- fuckin’ locked.

SONOFABITCH!

I peep in through the blinds, which are closed (cause I’m a fuckin VAMPIRE and like to keep the blinds shut and the 100+ degree sunshine out) so I can’t really see her, but I kind of can.

We keep a little dowel in the patio door to keep it closed b/c it doesn’t really shut well otherwise. Baby C ALWAYS, ALWAYS plays with said dowel. Walking around the house with it like she’s a damn baton twirler. Today?

“Can you get the stick for Momma? Take the stick out of the door for Momma please…”
{dead stares, laughter and the pitter-patter of little feet running away}

She comes back to the patio door, looks out the blinds and is smiling cause she found Mommas hard candy- and Curious George is on TV? Jackpoooot!

“Come here Pea, can you take the stick out the door for Momma please?”

nothin

I call my husband at work and tell him that I may just have to call the Police and he is convinced that if I do, they may alert child protective services.

Really? Fuck.

Worst. Mom. Moment. Ever.

Call my mom, she’s trying to talk me down, but my kid is starting to lay on the rug- looks like she’s ready for a nap.

FUCK! NO NO NO- don’t sleep!

Long story short?

9-1-1

“Uhhh yeah Ma’am, if Fire & Rescue comes out there, they are just gonna kick your door in, so you may just wanna call your landlord.”

You  have GOT to be fucking kidding me.

Call my landlord. And I just lose it.

I’m crying, it’s fuckin 10070million degrees outside and my kid is stuck in the house.

Awesome. This is a fine moment.

Landlord calls her husband b/c he’s closer and he’s on his way, it’ll be like 10 minutes.

Sweet.

What next? Fuckin dog starts barking and I hear “hello”

I walk around the house- it’s the Sheriff.

Fuck, I’m in trouble.

I wonder if they’ll handcuff me for like child endangerment.

He talks it out with me. Tells me to keep an eye on the kiddo through the half-closed blinds and he’ll walk around the house, see if he can get in.

Next? Sheriff #2 shows up, then? Sheriff #3

Mother of God I hope my neighbors aren’t all outside now.
Worst. Mommy. Moment. EVER.

By some act of GOD my Sheriff finds a way to get a window open, climbs in it and saves the mothafuckin day.

Thank you, Lord.

I just burst into tears when I saw my kid… thinking when in the HELL did you learn to lock a lock? Just today? Awesome. The DAY my kid learns what makes a lock- lock- she locks me out of the house.

Ugh.

Disaster.

WORST MOMMY MOMENT EVER.

Tell me your worst mommy moments so I don’t feel so bad and wanna go wallow in self-pity by the name of Petron.

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Oh, sorry. Let me rewind.

Today’s rant is dedicated to the thief out in Madison, Wisconsin wearing dress shoes and cut-off denim shorts…

I was reading a news article about a family visiting Madison, Wisconsin for a wedding stopped to pose for a family pic in front of the capitol building. . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: You’re On Candid Camera]]> Fuckface!

Oh, sorry. Let me rewind.

Today’s rant is dedicated to the thief out in Madison, Wisconsin wearing dress shoes and cut-off denim shorts…

I was reading a news article about a family visiting Madison, Wisconsin for a wedding stopped to pose for a family pic in front of the capitol building. Well… upon reviewing the picture, they saw this loser

Image taken from Yahoo.com

stealing their stuff. Really? You asswipe.

Un-luckily for him, the family went into the capitol building, showed the photo to capitol police who sent out a description of him to local authorities and he was found still lingering in the area- with the bag, with the families cash & wallet still in place.

That was a major #fail on your part. Douchebag.

They should cut his hand off for stealing.

You can read the whole story here.

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What’s usually your first thought when you see kids acting out when they are in public with their parents?

I think . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: That Mom]]> You ever go out to the grocery store or out to a restaurant to eat and see a mom there with her kids and the kids are putting on a show?

What’s usually your first thought when you see kids acting out when they are in public with their parents?

I think before that mom would have been met with criticism by me and I’d probably shake my head and think “not my kid.”

First of all, yes, my kid. Shit I don’t want to take Cadence anywhere for fear of being kicked out cause she acts so damn crazy. We tried to go to Chili’s on Sunday (I don’t know why) and she was screaming, yelling, trying to get out of her high chair. You get so embarrassed that what do you do? Ya leave, right? Yup. Took her ass right out, didn’t even get to finish my dinner.

But I have also learned through a recent friendship that we don’t know what that mom is going through and so we shouldn’t be so quick to judge. It can be all she can do and the best she can do to just try and shush them and get through the grocery store as quickly as possible without flipping out on her kids and looking like a “bad mom” or a mad person in public.

We don’t know what’s going on at home with her husband/boyfriend/baby’s father- is he present? Is he there, but not really there? Is she worried about getting the groceries, running home to make dinner, clean up house, fold the rest of the laundry and get the kids a bath before her husband gets home?

Does she have no help at all? Is she managing the house, changing the diapers, making the food, feeding/cleaning the pets, being a great socialite when out at her significant other’s business parties, laying down and spreading her legs the right amount of time a week?

She may be tired y’all.

You know that mom. Don’t judge her. Shit, being a parent is hard. Being a mom- harder.

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Anyway, you see those pretty flowers to the left? Coach is letting me put them on my site as a part of their . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: Coach Poppy Project]]> It is no secret that Coach bags are my thing. If I were still working, I think my collection of Coach bag would be… well, I shudder to think.

Anyway, you see those pretty flowers to the left? Coach is letting me put them on my site as a part of their Poppy Project.

If you have Twitter, whenever you Tweet the hashtag #ABEBlog, the flower pattern to the left will grow and if you ever see a Coach bag growing in the flowers, click on it right away! Coach says you will win a prize. Though what the prize will be? I dunno. Let me know if you win, though so I can be jealous happy for you!

Other ways to make my pattern grow:

• Just visiting my site
• Play with the pattern

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BUT

Said female has to meet his list of requirements before passing the test. He . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: The List]]> My husband and I have a very close family friend, 20-something, football player, college student, great guy, nice personality (sound like a dating show?) looking who wants a girl woman now at some point in the future.

BUT

Said female has to meet his list of requirements before passing the test. He recently came to visit us a few weeks ago and I love visiting with him because he always has girl stories that make me laugh. I think about the time when I wasn’t on the market and my behavior and the behavior of my female peers and it makes me laugh. Sometimes I think girls just don’t change- do they? (In regards to how we behave when it comes to men boys).

Did you see that show on VH1 “What Chili Wants”? Chili, the ‘C’ in TLC had a list of requirements that the man who was going to be in her life needed to have- her friends jokes that she was clearly looking to marry Jesus. Check out our friends list. Ladies, tell me- tell him rather what you think about it. Is this realistic? Is he gonna find that woman? Or should he stop using this list as a guide and let his heart tell him who’s right?

1. She cannot smoke.
2. Have a life plan (as far as what she wants out of it).
3. No kids would be great, but I can handle one.
4. Outgoing personality.
5. As smart or smarter than me (that playing dumb shit is not cute).
6. Has to care about her appearance.
7. Has to have sex appeal.
8. Have some kind of morals.
9. Has to make her own money.
10. Has to be a good mixture of hood & classy.

And this is not even digging into the core of his list. I think during our conversation he mentioned so many other things, but these are the only ones we can remember right now.

Oh, and:

11. He needs someone who can pick him up from the airport on time

(My favorite, by far! LOL I am QUEEN of being late… my husband’s not a fan of that)

This is just part one, the next funny story I want to tell you (in another blog post) is about the girl who thought she was his girlfriend… keyword thought.

So, what do you think? What’s up with people and lists lately? Do you have a list? Is is realistic?

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When I got pregnant with my first child, I was like most first time mothers.  I read every book, article, and website I could so that I knew what I was getting myself into:  From the week-by-week development to going back to work after delivery.  Just about everything I read and . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: Instant Mother/Child Bond by Tina]]>

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Not the 80′s baby that grew up listening to Def Leppard and White Snake.

The 80′s baby that grew up listening to Sanchez, Beres Hammond, Buju Banton and Garnett Silk.

Not names you recognize? If you are West Indian or more specifically, Jamaican- these names may jump out . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: The ‘N’ Word]]> I’m an 80′s baby.

Not the 80′s baby that grew up listening to Def Leppard and White Snake.

The 80′s baby that grew up listening to Sanchez, Beres Hammond, Buju Banton and Garnett Silk.

Not names you recognize? If you are West Indian or more specifically, Jamaican- these names may jump out at you right away. Classic, “old school” Reggae artists.

So that’s the Jamaican side of me. The other side of me is a Brooklyn, born and bred Bed-Stuy girl.

So quick…

Name some of your favorite hip-hop artists:

• Biggie
• Jay-Z
• Kanye (I’m sad to admit this)
• T.I. (You sexy beast)
• Tupac

How can you not turn up the music when you hear lyrics like this:

“Now honeys play me close like butta play toast
From the Mississippi down to the East Coast
Condos in Queens, indo for weeks
Sold out seats to hear Biggie Smalls speak
Livin’ life without fear
Puttin’ 5 karats in my baby girl’s ears
Lunches, brunches, interviews by the pool
Considered a fool ’cause I dropped out of high school
Stereotypes of a black male misunderstood
And it’s still all good”

–or how ’bout this–

“Man I promise, I’m so self conscious
That’s why you always see me with at least one of my watches
Rollies and Pasha’s done drove me crazy
I can’t even pronounce nothing, pass that versace!
Then I spent 400 bucks on this
Just to be like nigga you ain’t up on this!
And I can’t even go to the grocery store
Without some ones thats clean and a shirt with a team
It seems we living the american dream
But the people highest up got the lowest self esteem
The prettiest people do the ugliest things
For the road to riches and diamond rings
We shine because they hate us, floss cause they degrade us
We trying to buy back our 40 acres
And for that paper, look how low we a’stoop
Even if you in a Benz, you still a nigga in a coop/coupe”

–one more–

“Mic check 1-2 1-2, you wanna beef wit the king what is you gon do
Will you show up on the scene wit 2 guns drew
Or you and ya friend and play a little two on two
If you knew half of what I knew then you’ll be hittin the deck
Got a tool and a vest I can get some respect
I’ma make it hard for a sucka nigga to flex
Sho ‘em this ain’t the squad for a nigga to test
Pimp my nutz too large and we way too fresh
Work well wit Nines AK’s and Techs
And quick to check a lame like a game of chess
You want beef you can bring ya best and we’ll be standin in ya front yard yellin…”

(Can you name those songs?^*)

Okay, so the third set of lyrics are a bit much, but it’s really the beat that pulls you in as opposed to the lyrics. The lyrics are just an added bonus.

The other day, I turned some Biggie on my iPod before I jumped in the shower. I can’t remember what song it was, but every other word was nigga this and nigga that and I thought- wow this is some potty mouth shit. Do I want my baby girl using the ‘N’ word?

It seems like an easy question, right? Wrong.

In college, we had this debate about whether or not we, 80′s babies, now twenty-somethings, should even be using the ‘N’ word.

I remember once when I was in high school in the kitchen with my mother and my older brother and his friends and the  ‘N’ word was said and my mom’s all like “you don’t use that word in this house, I’m not one of your friends on the street.” (That was my mother’s favorite thing to say if we said something in the house that she didn’t approve of)

I don’t use the word now unless I’m singing along with a song that I love, but to be honest with you I don’t have any black friends my age here, so I don’t know if I would use the word at all. One of my closest friends, Tyronne- New Orleans native extraordinaire, almost always gets called a nigga when I speak to him… almost. Somewhere between me lecturing him about his inability to find a good woman and settle down and stop “fucking everything that walks” (my words exactly) I might drop an ‘n’ bomb on him.

I don’t know why. I just do. And he usually ends up saying “Aww why I gotta be all that?” and we laugh and carry-on with our conversation.

So, back to my original question- will it be okay for Baby C to use the word? I know a lot of black people like to say we’ve “taken back the word” and it doesn’t have the same implications that it had before, but really? I guess it depends on the context in which it is used. Cause if a white person calls me a nigga- there may be some very distinct four letter words exchanged. So black people, have we really taken back the word?

Baby C is 1/2 black- so is she 1/2 allowed to use the word? I wanna say I don’t want her to use the word at all.

But to me, it’s a big question. One that can’t be answered in one blog post and I’d love some parental advice.

What do you think?

Do your kids use the ‘N’ word?

What do you think about the ‘N’ word?

^* The songs that those lyrics are from are: Juicy, Notorius B.I.G.- All Falls Down, Kanye West- Bring ‘Em Out, T.I.

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I don’t get into political talk much with people… it’s just one of those things. BUT I do support the Human Rights Campaign as I do believe that everyone deserves equal rights. I almost feel it hypocritical for “my people” (blacks) to tell say… GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender) individuals . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: Open Letter to Target & Best Buy from the HRC]]>

I don’t get into political talk much with people… it’s just one of those things. BUT I do support the Human Rights Campaign as I do believe that everyone deserves equal rights. I almost feel it hypocritical for “my people” (blacks) to tell say… GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender) individuals that it’s not okay to be who they are when blacks fought through slavery and continue to fight to be seen as equals.

Anyway, apparently, Target & Best Buy recently donated over $250,000 to a political committee supporting a rabidly anti-equality candidate for Governor of Minnesota, where both are headquartered – a man with ties to a Christian rock band that advocates violence and death to gays.

Now y’all know I love me some Target. Over-priced as they are, it’s one of my favorite stores. Though I have forsaken them for WalMart in lieu of WalMarts lower prices, I still love to browse around in Target from time-to-time… BUT this is not okay Target. Come on.

The Human Rights Campaign has created an open letter to Target & Best Buy:

An Open Letter to Target and Best Buy

When lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender consumers – not to mention our millions of supportive friends and family members – used to think about Target and Best Buy, we saw two shining examples of corporations that respected the equality and dignity of every American.

Now, Americans are questioning their loyalty to your brands with word of significant contributions to the political committee MN Forward that hopes to install one of the most strident opponents of equality in the Minnesota Governor’s mansion. The long-term effects on families that shop at Target and Best Buy throughout Minnesota and the U.S. will be devastating.

It’s time to make things right. The very least you can do to begin rebuilding your image among fair-minded consumers is to make equivalent donations to groups that support candidates who will put all Minnesota families first and fulfill the promises of our highest ideals.

We’re watching and we’re waiting.

Click here to see the full text of the open letter.

—-

If you feel so inclined, you can sign the above letter by clicking here.

You can also raise awareness about this by spreading the word on your Twitter page or Facebook page.

No one is perfect, but there is always an opportunity to make matters right, starting with a sincere apology.

My belief is that everyone will meet their maker at the end of their days, is it my job while here on Earth to judge them and point the finger? If I’m living my life incorrectly, I guess I’ll find out on my dying day.

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My kid looks like she belongs in a damn feed the children commercial- skinny as hell and her damn ribs are always showing when she stretches.

She’s growing up, but not gaining much weight, though her doctor doesn’t seem to be concerned.

And now that she is exercising . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: Feed The Children]]> …Err feed the child.

My kid looks like she belongs in a damn feed the children commercial- skinny as hell and her damn ribs are always showing when she stretches.

She’s growing up, but not gaining much weight, though her doctor doesn’t seem to be concerned.

And now that she is exercising her right to say “No” as she pleases, she is letting me know what she wants to eat. Our mornings usually go like this:

Me: “Do you want oatmeal?”
C: (Waving her hands at me) No. No.

Me: “Okay… do you want waffles?”
C: (Waving her hands at me) No.

Me: “Okay. Momma’s gonna make you turkey sausage and eggs”

I make said breakfast and it usually ends up decorating the floor in our kitchen.

What is the deal? Is this some kind of phase? Cause it’s annoying.

This kid does not eat.

At least not from me… Don’t let Daddy come in and try to feed her. She’ll eat it. Maybe not all, but at least her Daddy can get her to eat some.

I’m okay with her starting to become a Daddy’s girl, but DADDY is not here during the day, so little Missy needs to eat something when Mommy is here!

Here’s what she will eat/drink:

• Goldfish
• Unsalted Crackers
• Stonyfield Organic Yogurt
• Bread (Pronounced”bed”)
• Milk (Pronounced “maak”)
• Juice- which I try to only give her once a day, but damn if she isn’t ever-so bossy! (“Dooce, dooce”)
• Water (Pronounced “ba-oo”)
• Strawberries
• Cheese
• Oh and Jenny-O Turkey Dogs- you can NOT loose with these. When all else fails, give this child 1/2 a hot dog.

And just because she eats these things doesn’t mean that she wants them on any given day or that she will eat one favorite food in conjunction with another.

I’m at a loss here, cause she has staged a coup against any other food. No chicken, no rice, no potatoes, nothin’.

Do you just let your toddler eat whatever they want, just for the sake of getting them to eat something?

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