I go into the garage to put a disturbingly smelly diaper straight into the outside garbage and what happens?

I hear the house door shut.

Whatever. She has shut it before.

I turn around to go . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: Total Mommy #Fail]]> My kid damn near gave me an aneurysm heart attack… she damn near killed me today!

I go into the garage to put a disturbingly smelly diaper straight into the outside garbage and what happens?

I hear the house door shut.

Whatever. She has shut it before.

I turn around to go back in the house, turn the knob… and it’s locked!

Deep breaths.

“Can you open the door for Momma?” {Door knob jiggles}
“Pea… open the door please” {More jiggling, then nothing}

In my mind: FUCK!

I go around the side of the door to the back patio- fuckin’ locked.

SONOFABITCH!

I peep in through the blinds, which are closed (cause I’m a fuckin VAMPIRE and like to keep the blinds shut and the 100+ degree sunshine out) so I can’t really see her, but I kind of can.

We keep a little dowel in the patio door to keep it closed b/c it doesn’t really shut well otherwise. Baby C ALWAYS, ALWAYS plays with said dowel. Walking around the house with it like she’s a damn baton twirler. Today?

“Can you get the stick for Momma? Take the stick out of the door for Momma please…”
{dead stares, laughter and the pitter-patter of little feet running away}

She comes back to the patio door, looks out the blinds and is smiling cause she found Mommas hard candy- and Curious George is on TV? Jackpoooot!

“Come here Pea, can you take the stick out the door for Momma please?”

nothin

I call my husband at work and tell him that I may just have to call the Police and he is convinced that if I do, they may alert child protective services.

Really? Fuck.

Worst. Mom. Moment. Ever.

Call my mom, she’s trying to talk me down, but my kid is starting to lay on the rug- looks like she’s ready for a nap.

FUCK! NO NO NO- don’t sleep!

Long story short?

9-1-1

“Uhhh yeah Ma’am, if Fire & Rescue comes out there, they are just gonna kick your door in, so you may just wanna call your landlord.”

You  have GOT to be fucking kidding me.

Call my landlord. And I just lose it.

I’m crying, it’s fuckin 10070million degrees outside and my kid is stuck in the house.

Awesome. This is a fine moment.

Landlord calls her husband b/c he’s closer and he’s on his way, it’ll be like 10 minutes.

Sweet.

What next? Fuckin dog starts barking and I hear “hello”

I walk around the house- it’s the Sheriff.

Fuck, I’m in trouble.

I wonder if they’ll handcuff me for like child endangerment.

He talks it out with me. Tells me to keep an eye on the kiddo through the half-closed blinds and he’ll walk around the house, see if he can get in.

Next? Sheriff #2 shows up, then? Sheriff #3

Mother of God I hope my neighbors aren’t all outside now.
Worst. Mommy. Moment. EVER.

By some act of GOD my Sheriff finds a way to get a window open, climbs in it and saves the mothafuckin day.

Thank you, Lord.

I just burst into tears when I saw my kid… thinking when in the HELL did you learn to lock a lock? Just today? Awesome. The DAY my kid learns what makes a lock- lock- she locks me out of the house.

Ugh.

Disaster.

WORST MOMMY MOMENT EVER.

Tell me your worst mommy moments so I don’t feel so bad and wanna go wallow in self-pity by the name of Petron.

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Not the 80′s baby that grew up listening to Def Leppard and White Snake.

The 80′s baby that grew up listening to Sanchez, Beres Hammond, Buju Banton and Garnett Silk.

Not names you recognize? If you are West Indian or more specifically, Jamaican- these names may jump out . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: The ‘N’ Word]]> I’m an 80′s baby.

Not the 80′s baby that grew up listening to Def Leppard and White Snake.

The 80′s baby that grew up listening to Sanchez, Beres Hammond, Buju Banton and Garnett Silk.

Not names you recognize? If you are West Indian or more specifically, Jamaican- these names may jump out at you right away. Classic, “old school” Reggae artists.

So that’s the Jamaican side of me. The other side of me is a Brooklyn, born and bred Bed-Stuy girl.

So quick…

Name some of your favorite hip-hop artists:

• Biggie
• Jay-Z
• Kanye (I’m sad to admit this)
• T.I. (You sexy beast)
• Tupac

How can you not turn up the music when you hear lyrics like this:

“Now honeys play me close like butta play toast
From the Mississippi down to the East Coast
Condos in Queens, indo for weeks
Sold out seats to hear Biggie Smalls speak
Livin’ life without fear
Puttin’ 5 karats in my baby girl’s ears
Lunches, brunches, interviews by the pool
Considered a fool ’cause I dropped out of high school
Stereotypes of a black male misunderstood
And it’s still all good”

–or how ’bout this–

“Man I promise, I’m so self conscious
That’s why you always see me with at least one of my watches
Rollies and Pasha’s done drove me crazy
I can’t even pronounce nothing, pass that versace!
Then I spent 400 bucks on this
Just to be like nigga you ain’t up on this!
And I can’t even go to the grocery store
Without some ones thats clean and a shirt with a team
It seems we living the american dream
But the people highest up got the lowest self esteem
The prettiest people do the ugliest things
For the road to riches and diamond rings
We shine because they hate us, floss cause they degrade us
We trying to buy back our 40 acres
And for that paper, look how low we a’stoop
Even if you in a Benz, you still a nigga in a coop/coupe”

–one more–

“Mic check 1-2 1-2, you wanna beef wit the king what is you gon do
Will you show up on the scene wit 2 guns drew
Or you and ya friend and play a little two on two
If you knew half of what I knew then you’ll be hittin the deck
Got a tool and a vest I can get some respect
I’ma make it hard for a sucka nigga to flex
Sho ‘em this ain’t the squad for a nigga to test
Pimp my nutz too large and we way too fresh
Work well wit Nines AK’s and Techs
And quick to check a lame like a game of chess
You want beef you can bring ya best and we’ll be standin in ya front yard yellin…”

(Can you name those songs?^*)

Okay, so the third set of lyrics are a bit much, but it’s really the beat that pulls you in as opposed to the lyrics. The lyrics are just an added bonus.

The other day, I turned some Biggie on my iPod before I jumped in the shower. I can’t remember what song it was, but every other word was nigga this and nigga that and I thought- wow this is some potty mouth shit. Do I want my baby girl using the ‘N’ word?

It seems like an easy question, right? Wrong.

In college, we had this debate about whether or not we, 80′s babies, now twenty-somethings, should even be using the ‘N’ word.

I remember once when I was in high school in the kitchen with my mother and my older brother and his friends and the  ‘N’ word was said and my mom’s all like “you don’t use that word in this house, I’m not one of your friends on the street.” (That was my mother’s favorite thing to say if we said something in the house that she didn’t approve of)

I don’t use the word now unless I’m singing along with a song that I love, but to be honest with you I don’t have any black friends my age here, so I don’t know if I would use the word at all. One of my closest friends, Tyronne- New Orleans native extraordinaire, almost always gets called a nigga when I speak to him… almost. Somewhere between me lecturing him about his inability to find a good woman and settle down and stop “fucking everything that walks” (my words exactly) I might drop an ‘n’ bomb on him.

I don’t know why. I just do. And he usually ends up saying “Aww why I gotta be all that?” and we laugh and carry-on with our conversation.

So, back to my original question- will it be okay for Baby C to use the word? I know a lot of black people like to say we’ve “taken back the word” and it doesn’t have the same implications that it had before, but really? I guess it depends on the context in which it is used. Cause if a white person calls me a nigga- there may be some very distinct four letter words exchanged. So black people, have we really taken back the word?

Baby C is 1/2 black- so is she 1/2 allowed to use the word? I wanna say I don’t want her to use the word at all.

But to me, it’s a big question. One that can’t be answered in one blog post and I’d love some parental advice.

What do you think?

Do your kids use the ‘N’ word?

What do you think about the ‘N’ word?

^* The songs that those lyrics are from are: Juicy, Notorius B.I.G.- All Falls Down, Kanye West- Bring ‘Em Out, T.I.

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My Dear God she was so adorable and tiny.

She’s still adorable, but not-so tiny.

Sometimes I question if I’m doing a good job with her and then she says or does something disturbingly smart and I’m reassured that, yes- I’m doing the best I can.

Yeah, I lose my patience . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: Where Does Time Go?]]>

My Dear God she was so adorable and tiny.

She’s still adorable, but not-so tiny.

Sometimes I question if I’m doing a good job with her and then she says or does something disturbingly smart and I’m reassured that, yes- I’m doing the best I can.

Yeah, I lose my patience with her and I get super frustrated, but patience has never been my thing. I’m not perfect, but the point is, I’m trying. And I love her. And she knows it cause she’s just Mommas big bundle of hugs and kisses… oh and tantrums.

My womb hurts.

And sometimes I think, I’m so impatient with her sometimes, how can I have another.

Because. I was made to be a Mommy.

I look at her sometimes and I just can’t believe that she grew from me. She was once in my body. She is a part of me.

She’s smart, she’s silly, she’s funny, she throws tantrums, she doesn’t listen, she knows that cows say “Mooo” and that her doggie is a “good boy.”

That’s my girl. She’s getting so big.

**Sigh**

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I usually look back on Baby Girl every so often, I just use the rearview mirror and I can see her just fine. Sometimes, though, mostly when my husband is driving- I don’t really . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: How Often Do You Look Back?]]> How often do you check on your kids in the backseat of the car when you are driving?

I usually look back on Baby Girl every so often, I just use the rearview mirror and I can see her just fine. Sometimes, though, mostly when my husband is driving- I don’t really look back as much and I’m not sure why. Probably because we are having a conversation or something.

A few weeks ago, I heard coughing and gagging from the back seat. I look back and what do I see? Baby C choking on headband she took off. It was around her neck and she was basically strangling herself with it trying to take it off! (She hates having anything put in her hair)

I was horrified. And it was completely by the Grace of God that I was able to hear the coughing, look back and take the headband from around her neck. That completely freaked me out for the rest of the day and I vowed to never put a headband on her again.

It. Scared. The SHIT out of me.

Bottom line.

So my question for you is- how often do you look back and check on your children while you’re driving? Share with me. Because that totally felt like a complete MommyFail on my part.

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When I was a kid I was a bit of a hypochondriac (well ok so I still am). Whenever I heard of a new illness or ailment of course I thought I had it!  I remember lying in bed praying asking God to please let me live long enough to fall . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: Our Story by Jenn]]>

When I was a kid I was a bit of a hypochondriac (well ok so I still am). Whenever I heard of a new illness or ailment of course I thought I had it!  I remember lying in bed praying asking God to please let me live long enough to fall in love.  I wanted to know what they were talking about in all those love songs I would play over and over again on cassette tapes lol.  Time passed and I dated a few people in high school but I know I was never truly in love, so I kept praying every night that God would send me someone who understood me (I am a pretty complicated girl!)  When I was a senior in College I went to a party and there was a freshman football player working the keg (I know glamorous right!) I went over to fill my cup and we started talking.  He was so easy to talk to and he had the cutest smile I had ever seen!  I spent the whole night standing by the keg talking to him.  He came over my place and we watched a movie and talked until we fell asleep. The next day we stayed in bed all morning just talking. I remember he skipped all of his classes that day.  From those first moments things were just different with him.  It had never been so easy to be with someone.  I remember when he would hug me with his big football player arms a felt so tiny and safe. He had a way of making me feel like I was the only person in the world in crowd full of people. You know how people say they just know, well I just knew he was the one, and that we would grow old and gray together with a houseful of kids and grandkids. I got a job teaching near the college while Aaron finished school.  He proposed to me the summer before his senior year.  We were married the fall after he graduated. God had answered my prayers, I had found true love.

Now onto the babies!  I remember thanking God for letting me find love.  It was the most amazing thing I had experienced in my young life.  We both wanted kids and lots of them.  I always said at least three and Aaron was convinced five was a good number.  The exact number didn’t matter, we thought life would just happen and that detail would play itself out.  I remember not really trying but not using anything to stop a baby from coming either.  I began to worry because 6 months had passed and nothing had happened.  We then began to “try” to have a baby.  Another 6 months went by and still nothing.  I remember sitting in church praying that God would give me a baby.  I remember thinking you let me find my soul mate, now please let us have a baby together.  Another four months passed, it had been over a year now. I was late so I got a test.  I had taken at least a dozen in the past year and they were always negative to I thought nothing of it.  I remember sitting in the bathroom looking at the stick as it read PREGNANT!!!  I was full of joyous emotions, laughing and crying all at the same time.  I pulled myself together and ran down stairs to tell Aaron.  He was like a little boy filled with excitement and hugged me so tight.

Our first baby was a beautiful little boy.  We named him Henry.  We could not have been more proud of our little man.  It was so hard to get pregnant with Henry that we figured with breastfeeding we really didn’t need to use protection.  Well we were wrong!  When Henry was just five months old I was pregnant again.  We were nervous having them so close in age but were overjoyed that we were able to have yet another baby.  Little Sophie came fourteen months to the day of Henry’s birth.  We were a happy little family we had a boy and now a girl! Aaron had a good job that allowed me to stay home with the kids and I was loving my time with them.

Sophie was eight months old when Aaron lost his job due to downsizing. It took him a little over a year to find a comparable job. It was a very scary time, it was a very trying time, and it was one of the best times because Aaron got to spend a year at home with his kids at such a precious stage in their lives.  He got to experience a lot of firsts.  Had the stress of money and fear of not making it day to day not been present it would have been pure joy.  We definitely had some of the happiest moments during that year, but the stress especially on Aaron played a toll.  They say money does not buy happiness, and I believe this, but I also think the lack of it can make you pretty stressed and unhappy.  I started Bowinhairos during this time to bring in extra money. During those first few months that I opened my Etsy shop I would check my site every half hour to see if I had sold anything. Every sale counted, it was diaper money! It turned out to be something I was extremely passionate about.  I think it was an endeavor I was meant to take on.  It’s funny how God works that way.

Aaron now has a good job at a local college. It is a very low stress job in comparison to the one he lost.  He comes home happier than before.  Like I said, funny how God works that way. He has good benefits and things are slowly getting back to normal. Henry is now three and Sophie is two.  I am a little sad that if we have another baby there will be a few years span between them. Looking at Henry and Sophie today, I don’t know what they would do without each other.  They are truly each others best friend.  They wake up in the morning and call out the other ones name to start their day of toddler adventures. I know that Sophie was meant to be born exactly when she was.  We would have never tried to have a baby while Aaron was unemployed and Henry would be lost in this world without her. Again, it’s funny how God works that way. Although our life is not playing out exactly how we imagined it, we do not forget for a moment that we are blessed.  We are blessed to have found each other in the world.  Aaron is, and will always be my best everything.  We are blessed to have these two amazing healthy little people that we created.  I look at them every day in complete amazement.  Our family’s journey has just begun.  Now the only question is who is yet to join us.  We now are ready to start trying for number three.  If it happens we know that it was meant to be.  If not we also know that everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes it’s okay if things don’t go exactly as planned.  Sometimes the long road leads to the best destination.

About Jenn:

Jenn is one of five children who loves the idea of a large family. She is a former elementary school teacher who now stays at home with her two children ages two and three.  She loves creating different and unique hair accessories for her Etsy shop.  She and her husband  love spending time outdoors with their kids.  They love campfires, grilling and just enjoying the fresh air.  She believes in living in the now and enjoying today because life has a funny way of passing us by while we are busy making plans for the future! You can follow Jenn on Twitter by clicking here.

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“My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.”

Clarence Budington Kelland

Dear Daddy,

Sorry I didn’t buy you a card this year. As we re-evaluate our spending habits, I have opted to reduce the amount of cards I . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: Open Letter To My Dad on Father’s Day]]>

“My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.”

Clarence Budington Kelland

Dear Daddy,

Sorry I didn’t buy you a card this year. As we re-evaluate our spending habits, I have opted to reduce the amount of cards I buy. I find that people like handwritten notes better and I can easily express how I feel. And anyway, what do people do with cards after the holiday/special day has passed? I always feel bad throwing away old cards, but I have found that I have become sort of a card-hoarder. So last year, I went through all of my cards- there was an entire box- and kept the ones that meant the most. The ones that I could due to part with, I sent to an organization that was using recycled cards for something. So, consider this your father’s day card.

Our relationship has always been… interesting- wouldn’t you say?

There are definitely moments from my childhood that weren’t so fantastic and that I probably resented you for at the time. There’s no need to rehash old stuff, though. Regardless of what I thought or felt at the moment, I am sure that those experiences only helped to mold me into the woman that I am today.

I wanted to take this time to thank you. Our family has never been good about expressing our feelings in a positive manner. We are more yellers, shouters, point-the-finger(ers) lol. Which is the first thing I wanted to thank you for.

You taught me how to feel. I was always the “sensitive one” in the family, always crying, “just like my father”… and while I admit, I never understood your sensitive side, in retrospect, it is important to be in touch with one’s feelings. Over time, I have learned how to have more control over my emotions- when to allow myself to be vulnerable and when to stay guarded. I guess you can say that I have become a mixture of you and Mommy. And I am okay with that. One needs to be tough, but to a certain extent. I think being in touch with my feelings and emotions allows me to express in an honest manner how I am feeling- something that many people cannot do. The toughness in me allows me to be vulnerable enough to put that out there and not really care about what the person has to say in return. As long as I am honest with myself and others, that’s all that matters.

You taught me the importance of managing my money. Some may laugh at this, thinking that you have lived… beyond your means at certain points in your life. While I understand your rationale for wanting some of the things that you want, behind that, in my opinion is someone who is very aware of how much money he does and does not have. You taught me how to balance a checkbook and that would be an important skill as I left the nest and went out on my own. I will admit, that I don’t balance a checkbook anymore… one needs money in their checking account to do that. When I start working again, I can take that up again. Your money management tutorials has allowed me to be responsible for our household income right now- I pay the bills and I know what is and is not feasible for us financially.

You know, you always wanted to hold my hand when we crossed the street or something like that when I was younger and I hated that. I’ve never really liked to be touched- hand holding and hugging… not so much my thing. But having those moments with you- as much as they made me want to cringe at the time- they have taught me what is important regarding my daughter. I need to give her hugs, hold her hand and tell her that I love her every chance I get.

We were (and still aren’t) the ‘I Love You’ family. You were the only one who said it and I couldn’t understand why. But now, as a Mom I get it. I can look back and remember my father telling me that he loved me. I want Cadence to be able to look back and remember the same. It is a feeling that I cannot describe to you for me to be able to tell my daughter that I love her. If anyone in our family besides you told me that they loved me, I would be sure to cringe and feel uncomfortable. I don’t want it to be like that in my (new) family. I want us to be open and honest about those feelings we have for one another. There are so many people out there who don’t have parents or don’t have someone to tell them that they love them. So.. I get it. Thank you for that, Daddy.

Something that stands out in my mind is when you would go to BJ’s after work and buy a super-sized box of Always pads- just that. I don’t know how many men would walk into a wholesale club and buy a ginormous box of maxi pads, but you did that for me. That showed me right away what kind of man I needed. One who wasn’t afraid to do those little things. Yesterday, we had lunch on base and Cadence was being a handful, so while I tried to calm her down my awesome husband stood there in line with lots of male soldiers in uniform around us and held my very large white Coach bag with purple writing all over it. That’s what real men do- you taught me that.

Of course, there were things you inadvertently taught me like: how not to speak to people. You taught me that I knew I was going to marry a man that knew how to cook and iron his own stuff. You taught me that I was not going to be anyone’s maid. I am an independent woman and needed someone who would respect me as such. I appreciate you for these things.

You always told me that I needed to marry someone who was going to treat me like a Queen. That let me know what to look for in a spouse.

You have made many mistakes in your life. I don’t judge you for these, because though the road may have been long, I believe that you have learned from them. And those lessons are ones that you have tried to instill in both me and Junior to learn from. I am proud of you for having turned your life around and not looking back.

And though you pushed me in ways that I definitely did not appreciate at the time, you taught me the importance of education and striving to do/be the best that I could. You are one of the smartest people that I know and I take pride in knowing that I can call you for a word definition or to edit a paper for me.

Thank you for always supporting me, regardless of whether you agreed with the choices I made or not. Thank you for giving me that good balance of parent-”friend.” I always knew that I could come to you to talk, but I also knew that there would be consequences for any poor decisions that I chose to make.

We aren’t best friends, we have our fights- some last longer than others, but at the end of the day I know that you will always be there for me- regardless of how mad we may be with one another at the moment.

Most importantly, I am happy to have a dad. I’ve said this before, but one thing that I find repulsive is “men” who plant the seed (if you will) and walk away. You are not a man and there is nothing more irresponsible and disgusting to me than someone who doesn’t want to own up to their child and give them the opportunity to have both parents in their lives. So thank you for being there.

As it is always said, “Any man can be a father, but it takes a special person to be a dad.” (Proverb).

So, Happy Dad’s Day.

Love,
DEW

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I was twenty-eight years old, teaching high school, and still in grad school when I found out I was pregnant.

It was a Monday night.  I remember because my husband was gone playing cards.  I was home working on homework.  I was finding it hard to focus because . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: Losing by Katie Sluiter]]>

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I remember my first pair of Nikes.

I remember my first Guess outfit that I was able to buy for myself.

I remember my older brother making bottle rockets in Heineken bottles and me being terrified ’cause I thought glass would shatter everywhere.

I remember . . . → Click Here To Read The Full Blog Post: Sacrifices And Security]]> What do you remember about your childhood?

I remember my first pair of Nikes.

I remember my first Guess outfit that I was able to buy for myself.

I remember my older brother making bottle rockets in Heineken bottles and me being terrified ’cause I thought glass would shatter everywhere.

I remember lots of parties and lots of loud music. I assume that this is the reason my hearing is not so great.

I remember a two-door Nissan Sentra, then a Nissan Pathfinder in 1991- the year my younger brother was born.

Oh and I remember the Pathfinder being crashed by you know who and you know how many times. (love you bro)

I remember rice & peas, oxtails, curry goat, stew chicken, escovitch. Nom, Nom, Nom- you have to appreciate Jamaican food.

What I don’t remember is never having anything to eat.

I don’t remember worrying about where I was going to live.

I don’t remember not having that joy of having family around.

I always had a place to lay my head. I always had friends growing up.

And I had because of my parents.

Sure, they fought and as far as I was concerned they hated each other.

As an adult, though, I am so glad that my father was in my life. It made a huge difference.

————–

My husband is watching this documentary on basketball and these kids are talking about moving 5, 6, 7 times. Not knowing if they would have something to eat. Wearing clothes down to the ground til they were worn. Not having a father, some no mother either and having to be raised by brothers or sisters.

————–

I had security.

Regardless of how my parents felt about each other they made a commitment to us, their children, to be around.

They took up side jobs- working as bouncers at night clubs ’til the wee hours in the morning or working at Macy’s as a part-time job in addition to a full time day job in Insurance.

They did what they needed to do so that we could have and not want for the necessary things in life.

When I look at my daughter, I want to give her everything she needs and the things that she wants, too. My parents taught me the golden rule of parenting (in my opinion). Which is that I need to do whatever is in my power to make sure that my kids never want for anything- even if that means making sacrifices… maybe sacrificing my dreams (temporarily) or parents who make sure their kids eat before they eat. Buying what your kids need instead of buying something that you want.

You know, our kids didn’t ask to be on this Earth. We brought them here.

I know that a lot of people out there have it hard. Watching things like this documentary and listening to these guys stories reminds me of what is important and just makes me grateful for how I was raised. It puts things in perspective.

I am just thankful to my parents for providing my siblings and I with that constant security. I’m thankful to my parents for the sacrifices that they made for us… and for any of the times they ever went without so that we could have.

It takes becoming a grown-up to really appreciate the little things. I am now learning, too, that even when you think they are not looking- they are. (They being our kids) And they are learning from us- our actions, our behavior- how we treat ourselves and others.

Now, my parents live on two separate ends of the East Coast- but I know that I always have a place to call home. I can just choose between Florida and New York.

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